Ashes and Wine
by sweetsilverlining
Summary: High school doesn't last forever. But for Adrian, pain does. She's always used to fighting her battles alone, but this one is omnipotent and consuming, the ghosts of her past always there to haunt her. Post-miscarriage. Ricky/Adrian


**Title**: Ashes and Wine  
**Category**: The Secret Life of the American Teenager  
**Genre**: Romance/Angst/Hurt+Comfort (I will be exploring Adrian's miscarriage more so than the show did, meaning that there will be more angst with Adrian.)  
**Ship**: Ricky/Adrian WILL be together in the end. Ricky/Amy  
**Rating**: Teen/Mature  
**Word Count**: 1,921  
**Chapter: **Prologue  
**Summary**: High school doesn't last forever. But for Adrian, pain does. She's always used to fighting her battles alone, but this one is omnipotent and consuming, the ghosts of her past always there to haunt her. Post-miscarriage. Ricky/Adrian  
**  
AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Includes near instances of cheating in later chapters. Please, if that's not your thing, and if you're not a fan of the pairing, then look away right now, because nothing you say is going to change my opinion. Inspired by the song "Ashes and Wine" by A Fine Frenzy. I recommend listening to that song while reading; it's a very beautiful song. :) Enjoy, and please leave feedback.

* * *

**_Ashes and Wine_**

* * *

_Is there a chance, a fragment of light_

At the end of the tunnel, a reason to fight?

_Is there a chance you may change your mind?_

Or are we ashes and wine?

* * *

Adrian was not feeling this party. Truth be told, she had never once been to a teenager party in her eighteen years, and she still held thick to her beliefs, but her parents and Ben had been itching for her to get out of the house and celebrate the end of high school and she figured 'why not'. After she left for college, she probably wouldn't see most of these people ever again.

Her manicured fingernails tapped listlessly against the glass of the kitchen counter top before she halfway filled a glass with wine. She brought the glass to her lips to only taste a drop, and the sultry sweet drink burned her tongue and her throat as it made its way down. She lowered the glass from her mouth and her grip around it tightened as she scanned the crowd. She took in a shaky breath, her pulse beating frantically against her wrist, a sick and dark feeling encasing in the pit of her stomach that she couldn't explain. Thoughts darted through her mind and she could do nothing but allow the memories to envelop her.

_"If we're not looking for love, then what are we doing? I love you, Ben, but I'm not in love with you. And if I'm being honest_ — if I'm being really being honest with myself — _I don't think I'm in the kind of shape to be in love with anyone right now. I'm sorry."_

"_You're not in love with me, Adrian, and I'm not in love with you."_

_"You killed your baby by being a cheating bitch."_ She could still hear the girl's sneer. _"Your baby didn't want you. Mommy and Daddy don't want you, either."_

Her thumb rubbed circles against her temple and she suppressed a frantic sigh. Her gaze settled on her hands as she peered into the glass with clouded vision, then she sent the glass sliding across from the table and the vibrating of the music drew closer when she loomed in the doorway. The music seemingly slowed down, the rhythm beating and marching, slow and taunting in her ears, chords scratching with chords as time seemed to suspend, Adrian's lungs filling with oxygen as she forced a deep breath inside to fill the empty void.

She pursed her lips together and, once she'd returned to reality, resisted the urge to shake her head. Sure, there was all the reason in the world to celebrate leaving high school, but her head and her heart hurt trying to find the point. One hour into the party and she'd already had enough.

She found her best friend Grace chatting and laughing with another cheeky guy who she was probably interested in and Adrian didn't hesitate to snatch her arm, feeling no amount of guilt for interrupting. "Grace, I want to get out of here."

Turning her head, Grace smiled and apologized and said something to the guy she had been talking to before turning back to Adrian with a look of disapproval. "Adrian! What is wrong with you? Did you not see how cute he was?"

"Yeah," Adrian drawled sarcastically, quirking an eyebrow. "I also saw how cute your boyfriend was standing in the corner all by himself." Grace rolled her eyes incredulously and Adrian repeated, "I want to get out of here."

"Why? Are you not having a good time?"

"No. I'm not." She suddenly felt like she didn't want to ruin her best friend's night just because she couldn't throw herself into this party that she couldn't care less for, so she ran a hand through her dark locks and looked to the side before looking back at the girl. "Look, I think I'm just gonna get out of here. Have fun, okay?"

Grace nodded in understanding. "Do you need me to take you home?"

Adrian rolled her eyes and half smiled. "No, I'll walk. It's really not that far and I wouldn't want to mess things up for you and..." Her gaze drifted to the guy a few feet away. "I'll call you tomorrow or something, maybe. Bye," she mumbled breathily. She hugged her tightly before letting go and making her way through the crowd. And as she padded to the doorway, she thought she heard Ricky several feet behind her calling her name.

She was too surprised and too eager to leave to stop and say anything.

And it hit her, the thought pumping through her veins in that moment: that may have been the last time she heard his voice.

She didn't know why, but when she shut the door to the party and stood alone on the front porch with the sound of muffled music echoing through her ears and the cool night air ghosting against her skin, the weight of being alone finally crashed down on her and it wasn't long before the tears spilled from her eyes and she leaned back against the door and broke down crying.

She had never lost composure of herself like that in such a close proximity of people.

High school was the easiest and most difficult time of her life; she had made a hellish mess of her time and deep down she knew she deserved everything that had come to her. She had a haunting feeling that it would only get worse hereafter.

* * *

Adrian didn't go straight home.

After the tears dispersed, she wandered along an empty sidewalk and turned down a dark alley leading into town, the only sound being that of her leather boots clicking against the pavement. Her eyes spied a small twenty-four hour restaurant's brightly illuminated 'open' sign in the distance.

Stepping inside, she slid into a booth and leaned against the window. Other than a young couple sitting at a table on the other side of the room, the place was nearly vacant. Adrian, not rushed for time, waited until the waitress came over and she ordered a salad and a glass of water. She wondered if the woman thought she was crazy walking into a restaurant at one in the morning only to eat a salad, but Adrian didn't care. Since the ending of senior year, she had been living a healthier lifestyle after months of eating her pain away. She went jogging every morning while the sky was still dark and she loved the time alone with her thoughts. On good days, sometimes her thoughts wouldn't even follow her on her morning jogs.

When she finished her salad, Adrian paid the bill and continued tracing the sidewalk, familiarizing herself with the world in California once more. In less than a week, she would be in an entirely new place. She knew she surprised everyone when she managed to graduate with her class, and she couldn't believe it when she was accepted into Columbia University. There was a girl offering her a place to stay in New York until Adrian could afford her own place. She was the daughter of a woman her mother knew through her flight attendant job. Adrian's counselor sophomore year had recommended the university and while she knew she would be lost in New York, she knew she could handle it.

Or at the very least, she knew she could pull off a convincing facade.

* * *

"I'm really going to miss you, Adrian."

Adrian nodded, wrapping her arms around Ben's tall and slender form. She closed her eyes and kept her arms around him. "I'm going to miss you too, Ben," she breathed out. "You have no idea." Pulling back, she took a good look at him one more time and shook her head slowly. She wanted to apologize. She wanted to apologize for putting him through hell, feeling like she owed him an apology, like she owed him the world for what she did. She hated herself for putting both of them through hell, but she didn't say anything.

"Are you gonna be okay?"

"Of course I am."

"Adrian."

She heaved a sigh and tightened her grip on her suitcase, mustering up a small smirk. "Come on, Ben. I'm fine. I can make it out there on my own. You don't have to worry about me." But to her remorse, hot tears swam in the back of her eyes and she laughed despite herself. "It's nothing I haven't done before."

His jaw clenched and he reached out for her hand. "You're never alone."

She nodded and cried for the second time in two weeks after she whipped her head in the opposite direction and headed toward her flight.

"Hey, Adrian," he called across the airport. One manicured fingernail wiped the tear that manipulated itself down her cheek before her head turned toward him. "Yeah?"

"You're beautiful, Adrian Lee. I've always thought you were so strong, and so - _stunning_." Somehow, he felt like she needed the reassurance. He knew she was keeping her composure to the best of her ability, but he wanted her to know that he was here if she ever needed a really good friend. "Not everyone's going to leave you."

Her heart thudded at his words. "Stop. _Stop it,_" she said and wiped her tears. "You're making me emotional." After sending each other another smile, she turned and boarded onto her plane, the smile quickly fading from her face...

* * *

_Don't know what to do anymore..._

_I've lost the only love worth fighting for..._


End file.
